with no where else to spill my mind..

My father died. The morning of Christmas Eve.
And now I am the princess with the heart of broken stone.

I felt like telling someone I am alive..
and that hes not..
and that I miss him more than words will allow me to say.

goodbye jaybird.

!!(a reminder this is just a flow of thought, not sticking to one topic)!!

My name is Nicole. I live in millville west virginia. Full circle, back to the same rust ridden trailer park I was raised in. We arent talking about the futre so I will spare the notions of being somewhere better, nicer... prettier infact. I left here when I turned 18. That birthday we put my childhood best friend in the ground. 18 was a crisp year. Everything in it cut. Everything was big and life changing. That kind of year helps you to expect a certain amount of drama in your life. I came back here to chase stars with a music man.. I should have appreciated the beauty of the stars and not chased them so hard.. because once I got running I didnt stop.. and I can look back and see.. those stars are long gone and now theres none to reach for. I dont intend to sound un happy, that is far from true. I am quite happy... but I believe under the surface of the happiness is the anger and under the anger is all the creation that is locked away. In the past few years I have discovered something about happiness. Happiness is what you make of it. Nothing is sadder than not knowing that. I may never be famous, I may never meet pepper, I may never go to california to write someone elses name in the sand- but I am every day be surrounded with people who light the dark, I am able to smile, paint, sing, laugh-- and dream of those things I may not do but want to. And as I close my eyes.. It is clear.. I can see.. all those things that maybe arent but maybe.


Quote of the Day:
"I shut my eyes in order to see" Paul Gauguin

Manao tupapau (Spirit of the Dead Watching), 1892
Paul Gauguin (French, 1848–1903)

The Artists Way Contract:
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Art and Photography

My name is Nicole Elliott. I am a recovering creative person. To further my growth and my joy, I now commit myself to the following self nurturing plans.

Morning pages have been an important part of my self nurturing and self discovery. I Nicole Elliott hereby commit myself to continuing to work with them for 90 days.

Artist's Dates have also been integral to my growth in self love and my deepening joy in living. I Nicole Elliott am willing to commit to another 90 days of weekly artist dates for self-care.

In the course of following the artists way and healing my artist within I have discovered that I have a number of creative interests. While I hope to develop many of them my specific commitment for the next 90 days is to allow my self to more fully explore my painting ability.

My concrete commitment to a plan of action is a critical part of nurturing my artist. For the next 90 days my planned, self nurturing plan of action is to fear not being myself and expressing myself by writing my daily morning pages for the public to see.. I will also be posting publicly my creations in the next 90 days.

I have chosen ______Beth Casto_____ as my creative colleague and __________________________ as my creative back up. I am committed to a weekly check in with said people.

Nicole Elliott


P.s. I am currently seeking a creative colleague, someone who is creative and I can discuss my creativity with. I am also seeking a creative back up, who doesnt necissarily have to be creative but must be understanding and willing to listen.



*****Morning pages are writing sessions done typically in the morning, for one hour about anything and everything that comes to mind. It is to be known by my creative team that Although occasionally colorful, the morning pages are often negative, fragmented, often self pitying, rpetive, angry or bland.. That is part of the creative purge.

June 13 2007, at 9:15.. I gave birth to this little star!

Her name is Rebecca Rayne Wilson.
We call her Rayne.
We are doing well now.
She is healthy.
I nearly died durring my pregnancy.
Durring the third trimester my blood count
started dropping, and my body stopped making new blood.
I had to go through several blood transfusions
and had to go to the West Virginia University Medical Center
to see a Hemotologist.
They were so worried I would lose Rayne.
But I didnt. She is strong.
She has all the strength I ever needed..
She had her shots friday.
Shes 2 months old now..
I cant get over how much she has grown so soon..
babies are amazing.

On a not related note, I now have an internet connection in my home so I will be posting more often.. anyone can also check out my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/nikkijeanjellybean

long time no write I know.
and I will start to write more..
It will help keep me healthy in the months ahead..

I am gonna have a baby!!

i am scared to death.. but happy..

purple leaves sway in a forgotten breeze
I have been you,
you have been me too..

Like a fine ash in the sky,
We breathe one another in..

And though we are apart-
We will constantly be with in.

im not dead just barely alive..
im not dead i just choose to hide..
im not dead im just half asleep..
not dead..
just lonely..
and weak.

So once again, lifes ups and downs have found an inbetween and i have a form of stability. What happens when you get stability? you get the internet...heh.. well.. what else could i ask for? There is a lot going on in life right now. more than i have words or energy to discuss... But I am alive.. doing better than I was before... I have a myspace account if anyone wishes to add me... my name is a_very_bad_star I miss you all... some of you more than others.. some of you more than i can ever say.. this journal.. you friends each hold a special place in my heart.. through the years its you ive had.. and for that i am grateful.


necole

it crept in, inbetween shallow breaths..
it stabbed me in the chest..
the weight of depression,
and the jitter of panic..

in an instant and for un understandable reasons..
my world is painful..

they only try to help.
everyone always tries to help..

it always hurts..

I always bleed..
I always cry..

"you are so much smarter cause you have seen how messy love can be,
but we dont need no education to your kind of scene"

its from a song..

to me it means..
youre smarter cause youve been hurt,
but dont teach us your lessons..
those were meant for you...

the doctor scripted me prozac..
i think maybe its helping a bit..
im not sure.. entirely... but i do think it is helping..
things just seem clearer..

god, though, when its clearer.. the things that hurt me..
hurt me worse..

i dont even know how i got here..
oh but im here.

breathing and living this pain..
im a walking waste of pain..
usually pain motivates something..
be it reaction... creation... anger.. something.. blood..
i just lay here.. taking it..

i sometimes wish my breath would leave my body,
a final time..
then not come back..
my heart would pump its final pumps..
and i would never have to open my sad eyes ever again..

im sorry to anyone ive ever hurt..
anyone ive ever betrayed..
anyone ive ever lied to..
anyone ive ever used..
anyone ive ever let down..
anyone whos ever loved me..
and my stupid lost causes..

this is the part where i wish for a reset button on life,
but there isnt one..

so i just go get real high..
and wake up tomorrow thinking it was all an uncomfortable dream..

seems these days i am lost again.. some times the words just dont come.. then sometimes they do..
ive been away.
learned a few lessons..
my lifes been a shambles..
i miss this..
words flowing from my finger tips..
oh i wonder, who reads.. who reads anymore..
i fell from a bad time, now im the bad star..
sometimes im lost...
sometimes im broken, and i dont shine like i used to,
but maybe thats why they make glitter...
to fake the shine...
or even if you never had it.. to make you feel like you did..
sometimes i wonder, here from my own little planet..
does the rest of the world miss me?
whats real anymore..
what is this reality..
i miss..
sweet innocense..
i know this chill too well..
the dark side of people..
the sad.. sad sides..
a forgotten glad me..