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A Very Bad Star
This is my voodoo, my pretty little spell.
Recent Entries 
4th-Aug-2010 03:20 pm - going the distance.
barrels of jade roll free form from my lips. who could i have been with out the snakes deadly kiss? who was that innocent girl? knotting the edge of her skirt, trading in skinned knees and mp3's for ashes and hurt.. i breathe in this air of freedom, trying to stand up for all the things ive come to believe in... but at the end of the day.. im just a lost little girl finding herself.. conditioning herself.. for something bigger than I will ever be.
I have avoided going back home.
Six hours south into the belly of coal in West Virginia where my father was raised..
where my accent roots from, Where my mom and dad met.. Where my life begun..
I left pieces of myself there you know.
Being in that house... where he died.. My father.
I felt him there. Still breathing in and thinking.
Im not much on the para-normals but I will say that he was there.
His shoes kept showing up on the table with burnt matches.
Id give my arms to have seen him just one more time.
To tell him I am okay. To tell him I am sorry. To tell him about his new grand daughter the one he will never hold.. To tell him he was the strongest man ive ever known..
or even to say goodbye..
Some days him being gone kills me.
other days it just wounds me deeply.
most days it swallows me whole.
31st-Jul-2010 12:37 pm - coffee to the power of zen.
when you are super mom you are totally aware, that sleep is for the weak. with enough espresso I can do anything...
30th-Jul-2010 07:01 am(no subject)
Recently I started treatment for post traumatic stress disorder, this treatment is aimed to help me heal, recover, forgive (doubtful) and grow as a person.. There are many things I can not do that I used to do. But every day seems to be getting easier. I went to the grocery store the other day. That sounds small... and to most it is.. but for me it was big. So many faces, people.. potential threats.. Every time panic started to creep in on me, id close my eyes and count to eleven. my favorite number. My goal is to with in this year be able to take my children to the park... <3 stronger, necole... stronger... day by day... stronger.
19th-Apr-2010 09:44 am - those days are gone...
here i am, still alive still breathing..
my how life changes..
i remember starting this LJ on a whim in highschool.
i regret not being a better LJer.
I regret not being a better friend to those who were good to me..
i regret not jumping in head first and running off with you.
but those days are gone.
5th-Jan-2009 12:33 pm - im sorry
with no where else to spill my mind..

My father died. The morning of Christmas Eve.
And now I am the princess with the heart of broken stone.

I felt like telling someone I am alive..
and that hes not..
and that I miss him more than words will allow me to say.

goodbye jaybird.
17th-Aug-2007 12:12 pm - *(1of90)
!!(a reminder this is just a flow of thought, not sticking to one topic)!!

My name is Nicole. I live in millville west virginia. Full circle, back to the same rust ridden trailer park I was raised in. We arent talking about the futre so I will spare the notions of being somewhere better, nicer... prettier infact. I left here when I turned 18. That birthday we put my childhood best friend in the ground. 18 was a crisp year. Everything in it cut. Everything was big and life changing. That kind of year helps you to expect a certain amount of drama in your life. I came back here to chase stars with a music man.. I should have appreciated the beauty of the stars and not chased them so hard.. because once I got running I didnt stop.. and I can look back and see.. those stars are long gone and now theres none to reach for. I dont intend to sound un happy, that is far from true. I am quite happy... but I believe under the surface of the happiness is the anger and under the anger is all the creation that is locked away. In the past few years I have discovered something about happiness. Happiness is what you make of it. Nothing is sadder than not knowing that. I may never be famous, I may never meet pepper, I may never go to california to write someone elses name in the sand- but I am every day be surrounded with people who light the dark, I am able to smile, paint, sing, laugh-- and dream of those things I may not do but want to. And as I close my eyes.. It is clear.. I can see.. all those things that maybe arent but maybe.

Quote of the Day:
"I shut my eyes in order to see" Paul Gauguin

Manao tupapau (Spirit of the Dead Watching), 1892
Paul Gauguin (French, 1848–1903)
17th-Aug-2007 12:09 pm - Artists Way Contract
The Artists Way Contract:
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Art and Photography

My name is Nicole Elliott. I am a recovering creative person. To further my growth and my joy, I now commit myself to the following self nurturing plans.

Morning pages have been an important part of my self nurturing and self discovery. I Nicole Elliott hereby commit myself to continuing to work with them for 90 days.

Artist's Dates have also been integral to my growth in self love and my deepening joy in living. I Nicole Elliott am willing to commit to another 90 days of weekly artist dates for self-care.

In the course of following the artists way and healing my artist within I have discovered that I have a number of creative interests. While I hope to develop many of them my specific commitment for the next 90 days is to allow my self to more fully explore my painting ability.

My concrete commitment to a plan of action is a critical part of nurturing my artist. For the next 90 days my planned, self nurturing plan of action is to fear not being myself and expressing myself by writing my daily morning pages for the public to see.. I will also be posting publicly my creations in the next 90 days.

I have chosen ______Beth Casto_____ as my creative colleague and __________________________ as my creative back up. I am committed to a weekly check in with said people.

Nicole Elliott

P.s. I am currently seeking a creative colleague, someone who is creative and I can discuss my creativity with. I am also seeking a creative back up, who doesnt necissarily have to be creative but must be understanding and willing to listen.

*****Morning pages are writing sessions done typically in the morning, for one hour about anything and everything that comes to mind. It is to be known by my creative team that Although occasionally colorful, the morning pages are often negative, fragmented, often self pitying, rpetive, angry or bland.. That is part of the creative purge.
12th-Aug-2007 07:58 am - so it is
June 13 2007, at 9:15.. I gave birth to this little star!

Her name is Rebecca Rayne Wilson.
We call her Rayne.
We are doing well now.
She is healthy.
I nearly died durring my pregnancy.
Durring the third trimester my blood count
started dropping, and my body stopped making new blood.
I had to go through several blood transfusions
and had to go to the West Virginia University Medical Center
to see a Hemotologist.
They were so worried I would lose Rayne.
But I didnt. She is strong.
She has all the strength I ever needed..
She had her shots friday.
Shes 2 months old now..
I cant get over how much she has grown so soon..
babies are amazing.

On a not related note, I now have an internet connection in my home so I will be posting more often.. anyone can also check out my myspace. http://www.myspace.com/nikkijeanjellybean
29th-Oct-2006 03:18 pm - baby :)
long time no write I know.
and I will start to write more..
It will help keep me healthy in the months ahead..

I am gonna have a baby!!

i am scared to death.. but happy..
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